All things new...

This past weekend, we traveled to Virginia and back to visit Grandparents and other family. It ended up being a great trip...minus the Thursday night when we arrived and Maggie decided she was done sleeping. Poor Tom. He took full duty and stayed up with her until about 5 a.m. I bailed on him and slept in the other room with Sarah. I discovered long ago that Maggie and I cannot sleep in the same room. It actually all started during the first 6 weeks of her life. She slept right by our bed and every little noise, sniff, cough, etc. knocked me wide awake. It's never really changed. After a few times of sleeping in the same room with her when we are away, I now immediately look for a large closet or another room and that is where she sleeps. At Tom's moms apartment, Maggie's room is actually the large closet off of the guest bedroom. At the Christmas cabin this past year, her room was the extremely large walk-in closet off of our bedroom. It just works out better that way. However, in Virginia, there isn't really much room to move around so she generally sleeps in the same room with somebody. The house where my Grandparents live is the same house they've lived in since moving down from Ohio in the 1960's. Mama used to say that was the worst year of her life.
She was in 9th grade and her parents moved the entire family from Dayton, OH to Tazewell, VA. How they found Tazewell, I have no clue. Her brother, Rocky, still to this day, lives right up the driveway from my Grandparents. Civil rights stuff was getting pretty bad in Dayton and that's why they moved, but Mama thought she was going to die. The house (which now is a LOT different) at the time had only 4 rooms. A kitchen, a den, and 2 bedrooms. No indoor bathroom. They had to walk outside and use an outhouse. I can't imagine how awful that must have been. As if moving into a new school in 9th grade wasn't bad enough, my Grandparents found a new religion at the same time which included Mama no longer being able to cut her hair and always having to wear dresses. If you read my sister's blog, you can catch up on that a little more. I can't imagine how mean and cruel the kids at Tazewell HS must have been to her. Probably the same amount as they are to my cousins who are currently going there. I remember Mama reminiscing about how the "Town kids" and the "Country Kids" didn't integrate. She was a "Country kid" and in the few stories she told us about the "worst year of her life", she would comment about how mean the kids were. Makes my high school days not seem so bad.
We had a good visit, though. Learned a little more family history. It's interesting how I've noticed the ones who live there never ask questions about where we came from, yet when we visit we pick Grandma and Grandpa's brains as much as we can for any little tidbit of info that we might have never heard before. Sarah is on an Ancestry.com kick right now and she's actually done a pretty fabulous job of tracking. You've got to hate it, though, when you spend hours and hours tracking and then you open up Grandma's family bible and everything you've worked so hard to find is already written right there. It is a good feeling, though, for her that all the info seems to match up even Grandma says, "I don't know how accurate all that stuff is". I think the reason that we're so hellbent on finding our history is because our last tie to that history is Grandma and Grandpa. I'm sure Grandma shared hundreds of stories with Mama and I'm also sure that half of those stories never got a chance to be passed along.
They're coming down to visit in 2 weeks hopefully. We bribed them by pulling the Susanna card. They didn't get to see her this past weekend and she'll be coming home on the 17th, so hopefully they'll be here. The Saturday will be Townville day. We just want to take Grandma to Townville and go through the house little by little and let her tell us anything she can remember about where stuff comes from, any stories about anything, etc. Basically anything that we might never hear otherwise. It's something that needs to happen, not necessarily a fun thing, but a good thing in the long run.
We've started weeding things out of the house little by little. My take on it is that right now I have an "in" to the house by working for Daddy. However, when new wife comes along (which may only be a matter of time) my "in" will be gone. The feel of that house has already changed. It's like a weird shell that is completely Mama in every way except for the feeling (which is pretty much everything). I used to feel close to her when I was out there, but I don't anymore. I really feel like my clock is ticking to get everything finished that needs to be finished.
Sarah had theory this week about Daddy. She and I were riding along in the car running errands and my phone rang. It was Daddy again. I had just hung up with him and he immediately called back as if he had thought of one more thing he had to say. His question was about the title of a piece of music I sang in college and whether or not I could get the music so he could give it to the choir at the church in Oklahoma to learn. I didn't think anything of it except it was really really weird. Sarah immediately nailed her theory: He wants it in his wedding ceremony. Interesting. Hadn't though of that until she said it, but it strangely in a really awful way made sense. She was highly disgusted and pissed by the entire thing saying that what else could it be since the times in my life when he's shown any interest in any song/music ever has been um....ZERO...until that conversation. So, it makes awful sense.
More later, but before I go....a new Mag picture:

Happy Birthday, Granddaddy...

I'm not one to normally get very sad on this little Maggie Sunshine blog, but just let it be said that we have survived another family holiday without our centerpiece. Definitely not easy and I think Sue said it best when she said that more than anything, she was sad for Daddy today who was spending his 54th birthday and the first birthday without his spouse. It's definitely so much to absorb and it's pretty sad to think about him being at the little house in Townville tonight by himself. That's just the new "way it is", though.


Tonight was 10 months since Mama left. It is sinking in little by little that this really isn't a joke, this is really very real. It's really true that this is the first 10 months of the rest of our lives without our Mama, Daddy's wife, and Maggie's Grandmama. I don't really believe we'll ever "get better" or "move on", I just believe that we'll learn how to mold into the new life that has become our "normal".


A heartbreaking sight is when Daddy picks up Maggie, carries her through the house, stops in front of the famous and beautiful picture of Mama at our wedding reception, and says, "Maggie, who's that? Can you say Grandmama?" And Maggie just stares at her like she knows. I believe she does. Daddy says it's his way of making sure Maggie knows who Mama is.

Mama on her 50th Birthday

The last picture ever taken of the original 5

One proud Grandmama and her little Margaret Denise

A proud Granddaddy with his first Grandbaby

I might be foolish for formulating these little idealistic ideas that Mama isn't completely gone, but she told me that she would be with us all and that when we were rocking our babies, she would be looking over our shoulders. Right there with us.

I miss her so so so much and days like this just bring it all a little closer. I don't ever want to forget anything about her. I have a Mama. I always will have a Mama who is with me. Maggie has a Grandmama that is just as much with her as if we could reach out and touch her. Some days it's hard to believe that, but I have to keep believing that. That's the only way I won't forget.